Darkness has returned A rant or cry for help I am not sure myself.

[Santawraith]

I have fought depression most of my adult life, with everything in my being. Today it has sunken me low. Not to go into too many of the personal detail’s life has become financial unsound with the loss of my wife’s job. And the need to have me home taking care of the kids. Which has led to many decisions, one was to throw ourselves fully into painting with the hopes it would support us. But I know for a large part that without major influx of income that isn’t what will happen.

I recently learned that many things I believed over the years isn’t true and things I have come to rely on to be false. It is like when a crack appears in a mirror it spreads then shatter’s that is how I feel right now. I have never had a lot of friends in my life, and as such lost many of them over the years due to many years of haunting depression. Poetry was a outlet once but I rarely write anymore and started to this summer but that all dried up as of late.

Years ago I never had people who depended on me it was only myself with the knowledge that no matter what I could figure it out even if took a while. Now everything has fallen on my shoulders without the support I once had from my parents who have been gone for 4 years now. It was like a snapping straw today with things said that broke what little was holding me from falling into the darkness again. I at this time do not see the light. Though as many times as I have had depression I know there will be one someday.

I fear for what I will loose this time while depression attacks my life, Most of the friends I have are on the internet which this forum makes up a large part of them. So please be patient with me if I grow distant I would rather do that then say something that will forever harm my friendships here. For those I have already said things too or offended I am sorry. I could make all the excuses in the world but when it comes down to it I am sorry. I hope that is enough if not I understand.

 

[Chorus]

Hey Santa,

I know i'm new here and that we didn't have any conversations at this point.While i was trying to read all posts and topics , i also read about you're wife's loss of job.I have also seen your posts getting darker and less confident.I'm not here to tell you : be strong or put yourself together,because i feel those words fumble at the toughts running trough the mind in a dark state.I know that falling into the darkness is scary and sometimes, how crazy as it sounds, to be comforting.It feels like standing on a line,the world behind you and pure darkness in front of you.Feeling that once you step over the line this time, there might be a chance that there is no way back.
Behind you there are feelings and thoughts and events that are unknown.Before you a dark,dark place,but comforting because the thoughts inside the darkness are not new.You know that you'll feel like s* and willing to except it because atleast you know how you'll be feeling.
What i however want to tell you and at the same time ask you is: before you step , take a look at what you're facing away from.A lovely wife , some nice kids and friends on the net.Life isn't a sure bet.It never will be.But your not alone.Your wife is just next to you.I'm very sure that both of you will do just fine.It just takes some time for everything to get into place.

 

[Danceman]

I won't go into detail but I can relate, least on the first part. Worked like a dog for months on end and ended up in a financial clusterfuck. It here, in the most clustery of fucks you just focus on the good. Your wife and kids, any and all friends. Just grab at anything. I worked some horrible jobs which I hated but in the end, it got me back up. So fuck pride, pride don't pay any bills and when got a bunch of kids then you really just have to put them before yourself. Also, you aren't your job. You are the man who gets to come home to a wife and your kids, that's more than just something in my book. Work is just work, a means to an end.

Deppression is a bitch, no doubt but what I did to get through it was to "ignore it". It is amazing what we actually have when we look at them from an outside perspective. Get a perspective is healthy, clears your mind.

Also, remember that you are bloody significant to this forum. Your Plogs, advice and contributions go a long way. Think you should be reminded of that. I may not post a lot but that's just me, lurking about and giving a post here and there. We're all here to appreciate the time you give us.

So stay strong and pull through, you hear? We'll be here.

Cheers, D.

 

[Santawraith]

Thanks

I think I need to clairfy something cause I think my post least someone else thought I was sucidal. I am not, There is three little girls who need there daddy, my life isnt my own it is there's. My depression is in other forums of horror. Such as change of thoughts and feelings on certain things, and possible changes in ones life. I have walked a long hard road to this point in life, but sometimes people must watch what is said to another or pain sticks. (note this isnt anyone on the forum)

I know in my heart that things will get better. But darkness makes me keep thinking it won't. Sadness over the decisions to let go of things I once cherished (vampire counts collection almost in it's entierty) to get much needed cash flow to fix some problems. Life is like a train out of control I am only waiting for it to derail so I can once agian pick up the peices. If anyone can understand that.

As for my post getting darker and darker aye I knew weeks ago what was begining. Like I said I have been through it agian and again most of my adult life. Never while I was married though, I am unsure if my marrige will survive my darkness. I love my wife deeply but love isn't always enough. She was my best freind once and was the person who was there during my last issue. it is strange me and her have been freinds for almost 10 years and only married 4 of them.

I cherish that I have my kids to hold and who are willing to cuddle with me. Holding any one of them is the best thing I have right now. When the dark presses in they understand that sometimes all one needs is a hug. They are like little angels. course the one right now is treating the small broom we have like a baby doll and laying it on a pillow and covering it with a blankie. So intresting the imagination of kids at times.

Thanks for reading and making some sense out of me.

 

[Danceman]

Life is like a train out of control I am only waiting for it to derail so I can once agian pick up the peices. If anyone can understand that.

Definitely, the pieces worth saving seems to stick out and which order to pick them up.

The way you speak of you kids makes me wish I had some of my own. One day, one day.

Cheers, D.

 

[Santawraith]

aye they are the best thing I have in my life I hope you indeed get some someday.

 

[thestalker]

i may be still in school: so i cannot realy relate, but i just want you to know that i feel bad for you and hope that you dont step into the darkness.
what i can advice is holding on to your kids and wife, in a emotional time like this you need a point to grap on to in the sea of thought and for you thats your wife and kids.

also what helps me when im facing a large problem is getting the facts organised and looking over them with a frien(in your case your wife i gess) to look at the options. i dont know all the facts but i would look for some jobs any jobs instead of trying to earn all of it by painting, no matter how tallented you are a job will give you security and some convidence.

once again i feel sorry for you and hope it will go better for you in the future.

 

[whtdwrf11]

There's a whole lot I want to say I just need to figure out where to start santa.

I'm in the same exact boat so to speak I've struggled with depression pretty much my entire life along with other disabilities I've had growing up so I know the dark feelings very very intimately.

What others are saying is true you have to latch on to the silver linings that are in your life and never ever let them go no matter what so that means your kids and wife your friends the ones you physically see and the ones here.

The best advice I can offer is try and work out with your wife what possible other ways you both can think of to restablize the finances that have seem to gone into a bit of a muck even if it's just random odd jobs that can be done for a bit of spare cash until there's something more solid of a job to hang onto.

Now as for having changing thoughts of things you used to enjoy or things in life you really have to think hard about following those kinds of thoughts because there not brought on by how your normally thinking their being effected by the depression that's sinking it's little talons into your thoughts and trying to make everything seem darker and not worth it.

Now this is getting to be a bit long so I think that's mostly what I had in my head to say about the whole thing but if you really need someone to talk to personally my PM box is always open if you need it.

 

[Boo]

It saddens me to read this Santa, but you know that we on this forum are here for you, if that means something for you. Take your time to make the life puzzle work again and as other before me has said, hold on to the things that mean the most to you, like your kids and wife. If it feels heavy right now it will get better.

I don't know if my words, written here on this forum, is of any consolation to you but I still hope that everything will work out for the best for you. In any case, writing here might let you vent your feelings. What I usual do when I feel down is that I go for a workout, just let the body do the thinking. Working out is for me a way to let the brain rest while the muscles do all the work. Go for a run or a walk and if you have the possibility go to the gym. I know that working out wont solve any problems, but it gives one a moment of peace of mind.

I agree with Danceman here, I have also worked at places which I hated but it brought in the cash. As he said, you are not your work you are the man who comes home to his family.

Anyway I hope to hear from you soon.

 

[Disciple of Nagash]

Hey Santa,

I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. I’ve been through similar myself and I know how hard it is. Firstly I want to say that you are worthwhile, you have contributed massively to this forum as Danceman said and for that I can’t thank you enough. I know many people don’t take them time to post and say so, but your work has helped a lot of other people, inspired them with their armies etc, and just provided pure enjoyment which is something you should be proud of.

Money makes things difficult, and I know that as the father of your family you feel like you should be able to fix it, that your family should have better. You need to remember one thing – they will always love you regardless. They are more bothered about your happiness than they are about the money you can give them. I would bet anything they would prefer to have next to nothing in exchange for you being happier. That kind of love is really special and many people would give anything for. To have a wife who understands you, to have kids who will just hug and kiss you for no reason other than they want to show you love.

You have the capability to work, you need to see that as a silver lining. Many people look and see they don’t have anything, they don’t have a job etc. Danceman has it perfect – perspective. Think of what others may have, the disabled who can’t work, those without families to love them etc. Then think, I may not have something right now, but at least I have the option / capability to do something about it. It’s not a dead end, it’s just a wrong turn.

I know it is not the nicest thing, especially when you are doing something you love, but I personally would go out and get a job – any job. As long as it is secure and pays the bills it will do. Remind yourself, this is not for the rest of your life. It is stepping stone to making your life better, so once you have sorted yourself out and become stable again then you can look at your options.

Just remember – you have a loving family, you have the ability and skills to work. So you are not stuck, there is a way out. Take it and I know your family will support you all the way, as will we.

If you want to chat let me know.

DoN

 

[Zephyr]

Just like the others I can only say sorry that you feel like crap lately. I can really relate. I mean, I've been dealing with physical and therefore financial issues all my life and combined with bipolarity it just sucks. I really know how it feels like when you are just starting to pick up the pieces everything seems to get smashed up again.

I also know that when you are depressed you feel like withdrawing and not wanting to be a burden but that's the worst thing you could do. Venting is good and if that's on the internet with people you never even met IRL so what?

Be happy that you at least have a family and you aren't truly alone even though it might feel that way. It must be wonderful to have kids who keep you going, all I have is a smelly old Great Dane who also likes to cuddle but with all the drool and...well you get the picture Like DoN said, and others here, hang on to what is good in your life and look at what you CAN do instead of what you can't. Let it pull you through the bad times and feel free to vent anytime you feel the need to..

 

[Santawraith]

Thanks my freinds for all the kind word's, me and my wife have a strange situation. She feels Im better with the kids and they listen to me better. As I am more patient then she is at times I can agree. Though getting the oldest potty trained really strained that. About the time I was gonna give up she started going with no issues. Wonderful how things just take care of themselves.

Luck smiled upon us and she has a job again elsewhere, which pays the bills better then the last one did. Though we both started to look she found one before me. I appretiate the kindness everyone here has shown me. It helps to just get everything out.

I think most of us have worked places we would of prefered not too, but sometimes it is what one must do to survive. Returning me to the oilfield is one of the things me and the wife talked about but luckly we didnt have to make that choice. As neither of us want me gone that much of the time as would be required. Life changes day to day, and it is always stressful at times.

I am glad and proud to have freinds such as I do here that will listen and even offer advice and support. I still feel depressed from day to day and I think it isnt going to go away quickly. But at least today feels like a better day, though I came up with a money get rich quick scheme. I need someone to gift me 1 million dollors then I would be rich. But I have yet to find a person willing to do such a thing. Sigh we can all deam.

 

[Danceman]

Good to hear things are looking up. That's the way to do it or as Denis O'leary says; "I take every day one beer at a time, every beer one sip at a time."

 

[Nikos]

Sorry to hear your having a lousy time of late. I cant really add anything that hasnt been said already, definatley focusing on whats important is the key. Hang in there buddy!