I don't know what to do.

[Sanai]

I suffer from depression, and have done for a long time. Having made new friends and found new oppertunities, I had thought I was doing okay. I had feelings for a girl (and still do) in my class, and I actually thought I had a chance with her. I also have feelings for one of my close friends. I told my friend, and found out what I already knew, that It wasnt going to happen. I asked the girl in my class out, and she said "sorry no". I am failing the course I am in, and dont really think I wanna do the career I thought I wanted to do anymore. The only thing I look forward to anymore is seeing my two best friends, and now it seems one of them, the friend I have feelings for, is going to ask the other out. I am afraid we are going to go from a group of 3 closeknit friends to a couple and...an extra. I have not felt good or happy about anything in weeks, and I see no possibility or chance for happiness in sight. I feel so alone and I feel no joy anymore.

Thanks for reading or caring, if you do....

 

[Onikaigo]

Hey Sanai....I know it's a cliche line, but I've been in that situation.

Back when I was 17, there was a 16 year old girl I found who was, is, extremely intelligent, a great looker, new to the town and receptive to me and my wiles. I thought I'd ask her out, but I was a day late. Who did? My closest friend in Angelo, who we can codename Andrew. (Hint, not a code). Going from a close, close friendship to a third wheel isn't easy...it sucks balls to be honest. But, life moves on, and if he's a true friend he'll help you get over it. He'll talk to you, still hang out, and still be what made him so friend-like in the first place. A woman, even one you have feelings for, is in no way the end of a friendship.

Perhaps, once you come to terms with the 'Fact' that a relationship isn't going to happen -now-, you can understand that beneath that desire there's a beautiful, beautiful thing waiting to be discovered and explored. Friendship, relationships, and even tragedies (Is that really the correct way to spell that word? Wow....spellchecker says so.) all teach us things about ourselves; this one might just check your resiliency. If there's one thing I know about you Sanai, you're adaptable, and intelligent. Let bygones be bygones, and don't let go of a good thing like I did....Me and Andrew barely talk anymore, and it's incredibly sad. I've never had anyone else I called my brother who wasn't one, and it's a hard, hard thing to lose.

So, bottom line; respect her decision, respect his decision, and realize there are a lot of fish in the ocean. Not that you'd date a fish (Well, we are talking about you....It'd have to be a pretty fish at least), but just realize that not everything in life we want, we receive.

But, if you need to rant, there's always more posting here, or you can Skype me. Skype venting is kind of a specialty of mine, now, since I'm 8K miles away from my closest friends who need to talk. PM me for a number/address if you want to.

 

[Sanai]

You are assuming incorrectly that one of the two is a he oni. They are both girls.
But thanks for the response anyway.

 

[Zephyr]

Of course we care Sanai, it always sucks when somebody on this forum feels down for whatever reason.

Seems like you are pretty much stuck between lots of things going on but it isn't the end of the world even though it might feel like it. Onikaigo pretty much said everything I believe as well.

Of course it sucks when you get turned down but you know how many times I've been turned down? All the drops in the ocean by now I guess but still, I got lucky a few times and nobody ever stays alone for his whole life unless you are some hideous monster(and I'm not even talking about looks as I'm not much of a looker myself yet dated some exquisite women).

Just be sure that you don't let it ruin the friendship you've got and maybe even talk about it. Seriously, it's best that you come out open and honestly and tell them what you feel rather than let it fester inside. If you do that you'll find yourself snap at them sooner or later. Tell them you respect their choice, if they already made it because so far I understand it's still on the verge of just asking out, but that you might need some time in order to really feel okay about it. If they are real friends they'll understand.

 

[Sanai]

They know how I feel and they are very understanding about it. Thank you zephyr, it is very kind of you to say these things.

 

[Mannerheim27]

I feel for you bud, having feelings mixed in with emotions is always something that can be both a blessing and a curse. I guess my best advice that I can give you is to just keep your head up and your mind open. I've had quite a rough road with love and such myself (Been cheated on by 3/4 girlfriends I've ever had, all very serious relationships) and I'm only 24. Yes, it's sucked and yes it's been incredibly rough.

However....

In the end it makes you that much stronger and can actually help you battle your depression at times. As you know, I'm also a depression coper. Going through really crappy times and lulls is a mess; I can be out of it for days, but after talking to my close friends I've realized that going through all the bouts has made me a better person. One way or another, you always make it out of the lulls and crappy times. Use this fact to your advantage and use it to strengthen yourself.

Having feelings for someone is never an easy thing as it can cloud judgement and actually interfere with routines and jobs. My best advice to feelings/ emotions is to just stay open about it. It's easier said than done, but if you can stay open about it and focus on what's best for you at times, especially as you near the edge of your education and prepare for your professional career, things can actually fall in place themselves. Who knows, you may have another class or a begin a occupation program and you may meet a wonderful girl. How do I know this? I come from experience.

I know it's hard to do, bud, but just keep your head up and take a deep breath. Take a moment to slow things down a bit and just clear your head. Sounds a bit nutty, but it does work.

We're all here for you as well

Jake

 

[Sanai]

Thankyou Jake, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.

 

[Disciple of Nagash]

Hey Sanai,

It's really crap to hear things like that. No point pretending otherwise, I know you will be pissed off.

As I've said before in other threads, best thing I can really suggest is talking through it in detail with someone. The next step is also trying to look at things from both sides. By that I mean things like:

I am failing the course I am

Try and think and look at it from another perspective.

Am I failing because I can't do it (doubtful from what I have seen of you, you seem intelligent) or because I am depressed and not putting in the effort. If that is the case this is something you can actually change, it is not the dead end you might think it is, its just a rut you can actually work your way out of.

A lot of things that may be bothering you, if you try and sit down and think about, however hard that might be, you can generally work a way around them or fix them. It might be a long term thing, it might require effort, but at least you know there is a way up. Doing this always used to make me feel better.

Also think of things which are good: You're healthy. You're intelligent. You've got a good personality, very caring, great humour, perverted (a big bonus in my eyes), creative (shows in the RPs) and insightful. This is shown just from the forum, so there is probably loads more.

Finally in regards to the girl.......I won't lie, its bloody hard. First thing I would do, as hard as that might be is to make sure. The thing which drives people insane is always wondering "what if". I did that for years in High School and I look back now and realise how much time I wasted (yes even the great Perverted One got rejected ). Once you know for definite then you can start trying to move on.

If she really doesn't want to be with you, hard as it may be you need to sit back and again think or talk to someone to help move on. It happens to all of us, really. It does not make you any less of a person, it is not anything bad against you, some people just don't have that connection. But there will be someone out there who does have that connection, and its much better to be out there looking and see them, rather that hoping for something you can't have.

You said it is a girl. Well for me that would be some consolation, in that it is definitely not a matter of you personally, but the fact she prefers women. You may find in this regard your friendship still can and will work as the mechanics of having that type of friendship is much different than a normal hetero one. (I say that from experience with previous lesbian women I have known.).

Hope that helps somewhat Sanai, but if you want to chat just let me know.

 

[Wire_Hall_Medic]

When I was 19 or so I was diagnosed with depression; I was lucky in that mine was iron deficiency (that is, easy to treat). I'm assuming you're in high school; if so, this is basically the most miserable time of your life. Find a band that resonates with how you feel (Nine Inch Nails for me), find at least one real (ie, not internet) friend who will support you no matter what, and find some kind of exercise to relieve your emotions (I recommend running). It's going to suck; roll with it, and you can get through it. Kudos for being strong enough to ask for help. I wasn't for a long, lonely time.

 

[Sanai]

Oh I finished High School two years ago (I am 19).
Anyways, thankyou all for your kind words. It does make me feel better that she is a lesbian, it means its not so much me as my gender. Thankyou DoN for thinking so highly off me, it is heartening.

 

[Dreadgrass]

Hey Sanai,

I can't agree more with whats been said above, a lot of people said it a lot better than I ever could, but, on the subject of your course/ potential career, I'd like to relate a little story of my years since end of high school, so you might be able to see a glimpse of light at the end of that tunnel.

For most of my highschool years, I'd decided I wanted to be a chef, I didn't achieve an OP, preferring to focus my 11th and 12 years of education on my hospitality training and a certificate course I was doing at the time through a local restaurant.

After I completed high school, and working in the industry for a while, I decided I didn't actually like the kitchen environment to work in. I loved cooking, but the high-stress/ bad hours etc. on a daily basis changed my mind, so I started a diploma course in Hospitality management, and thought my self pretty well on the way to a job in the hospitality field.

After the course I was unemployed for 6 months. Despite daily canvasing and printing literally hundreds of resume's I couldn't get anywhere. I finally got a job as a kitchen hand through a mate just to pay the bills. Not content there, I also started attending further education, this time in tourism to try a different angle. But again, no matter where I applied or who I spoke to, it was a no-go.

Finally, being unable to do much more than survive on kitchenhand wages, I got a retail job in a dingy little camping store in the city. It was a horrid little store, always smelling musty and of cigarettes, but it got me some money and I wasn't forced to skive of my parents anymore.

After a few years, I was approached by someone I met through scouting and got a job in Logistics for a company called Australian Maritime Systems. Where I now coordinate Logistics for equipment to all search and rescue bases throughout Australia. I also met my girlfriend there.

So moral of this story, From the start I stuffed my career, I felt like I couldn't make a right move to save myself, everything I did went sideways on me. However, I clawed my way up, ended up in a job I never dreamed I'd even consider, and Im with someone that, if I had never made those mistakes, if I wasn't in an uncomfortable position, and If I hadn't been looking everywhere and trying my arse off to help myself, I never would've met.

Sorry for waffling on, but I hope you can see where Im coming from. There will always be things in life you can't control, you will always make mistakes, the key is to keep an open mind and keep looking for that next good thing. take whatever time you can for yourself and do little things you enjoy, whilst looking for that next chance, and be ready to seize it, because whether its work, love, or a strategic opening in warhammer, You've got to jump at your chances, and if you fall, don't hold a grudge, don't burn your bridges, and just be ready to jump again.

 

[Sanai]

Thankyou Dreadgrass. I really appreciate you taking the time to post.

 

[Dreadgrass]

Its no worries buddy, I just hope it helped in some small way. Us Aussie vamps have gotta stick together after all, even if you are a west-coaster

Which reminds me, if your ever in Queensland/ Brissie you'll haveta let me know, we can catch up for a game or at least swap dirty pictures of DoN and the others! erv:

 

[Get of W'soran]

Abit of a late reply but here I go.

Sadly I can only resonate the feeling that I can understand what it's like to a certain extent, I'm not sure if you've had any professional help for being depressed but if not I would recommend it, I put it of for years until being forced to go for therapy. It really helps (at the very least you'll get medicated, in my situation I found out I felt wost that I realised).

About the Course, man I've been there, I dropped in and out of courses at Tech's and universities until getting to where I am now (a foundation science year in a rather good uni) and I still have no idea what I want to do for a career really, it'll work out though so don't worry to much about it. If you're struggling with the course due to difficulty then try talking to your teacher/lecturer about it and see if you can get some extra help.

I have not felt good or happy about anything in weeks, and I see no possibility or chance for happiness in sight. I feel so alone and I feel no joy anymore.

This is a totally miserable feeling and I can only say again try to get some medical/professional help if you can.
And incase you can't I'll give you some simple examples of how I dealt with such feelings.
1) Find something you used to enjoy doing and just do it.
2) As sad as it sounds, studying harder (wether that's self study or assisted study) at school and doing better in the degree/course I'm studying makes me feel better.
3) Lastly try not to sit at home alone for too long periods, I spent rediculous amounts of time in my room on the computer and didn't realise how negatively it was effecting me until I started going to bars and pubs more often.


Of course these are just my thoughts and experiences and everyones effected differently by different things.

So I just want to sign off saying I hope you feel better man, from what I've seen of you around here you're a great guy, I'd bet you're certainly intelligent enough for whatever you study and you're easily witty and funny enough to be good company for people.
And I'm always floating around here or on MSN if you ever wana talk


-GoW

 

[Sanai]

Thank you dreadgrass and GoW...... I have had professional help in the past.

 

[Get of W'soran]

Thank you dreadgrass and GoW...... I have had professional help in the past.

Not a problem mate, I had guessed you probably had done so, but felt compelled to throw it out there anyway

 

[Grish]

Hey Sanai, I've dealt with clinical depression all my life (well, since I was 6). I'm pretty on top of it, although it occasionally gets the better of me sometimes. If you want my advice PM me

 

[Sanai]

Yesterday, I spent the day with my two closest friends (I have given them the names Misaki and Mirabelle for forum purposes) and some other friends.
It was a perfect day. We swam in the pool, talked, enjoyed the sun, mucked around, etc..... I was actually really happy yesterday, for the first time in years.
All the bad stuff, all the depression and despair...it was all worth having these friends.

 

[Mr Nightwere]

I'm Australian so you can trust me when I say this.... Swimming Is a cure all... As in no matter what shits going down no matter what weight is crashing down and on your shoulders there is always peace in the infinite tranquility of water and friends
Life Is shit Sometimes its just a fact of life but Holding the memories of swimming with friend can make everything just slide away, you are due for some more good memories and feeling bad wont bring them any closer sometime you have to find them so they can find you.

I think that may be one to many corny lines but I think its all true, good luck who ever you are .

 

[Santawraith]

Freinds and even family make life worth having. I do not know what I would do most days without my best freind who is actaully my wife.

It is always good to look at the days that are bright and colorful to help push aside the dark day's.