Normally I wouldn't say something like this over the internet; but I just don't know what to do. My brother (younger) is a pest. When he is bored, he comes to me. When he plays on the xbox, he comes to try and make me watch. When I play xbox, he comes to watch. He comes to annoy me when he's bored and finished homework, whilst I'm toiling away at GCSE work. He continues to tell me how his school is better, and how his work is harder, and how's more clever, and how I'm too retarded to eve get into his school. (Just because of when I'm born, the school will only accept me in the year above, because of league tables.) I just hate it. He always whispers to me, about how I'm friendless, fat, and stupid, how everyone hates me and the world would be a better place without me. When he annoys me this much, I tell my parents; they tell me to sort it out myself. When I finally lash out, he squeals in such a girl voice, and my parents come running. I just can't take it.
When we have an argument, and one of my parents despairs about how we always argue, it is him who comes and sinisterly whispers into my room about how it was all my fault, repeating my parents' words but twisting them to make me the origin of all the fault. Sometimes, I just hate him. I can't stop myself. Whereas I used to just hit him away, now I hold it in longer; until I snap, and throw something, or multiple things, then shout; when my parents come, who I'd been getting on well with for the whole evening, I can't stop myself shouting at them too. The whole evening is soured, and the feeling I get is just....horrible. I hate it. But my brother? No, he comes and whispers. And sometimes, dammit I just can't find any reason to disagree. I play warhammer, mostly stay at home on weekends, enjoy my schoolwork, aren't in any sporting teams unless the whole year is, play the piano, am not very strong or big, and have never had any sort of relationship with a girl. I'm a ruined, antisocial disaster. I just can't stop the feeling coming back. Now it happens at school too; I feel awful. My few friends try to cheer me up, but inside I know I'm loving the attention; and feel even worse for it, then the cycle just repeats. I don't know what people think of me, I can never know. And now my friends, who I originally considered similar to me, are starting to have relationships with girls too. I'm just being left behind. Those who I considered best friends share knowing glances with each other, and laugh, then when I ask them what its about they say its secret. They only knew each other through me, but now I'm no longer needed. I don't see any movies, and don't listen to music; only classical, which I have on in the background at home. So when people start playing "guess the song" or talk about a new album, I always try and avoid the conversation. Once, in a class survey, I was asked who my favourite band was. I just had no clue. Thankfully, as I vaguely said none in particular a friend shouted out some group, obviously trying garner support for it, and I was off the hook. But this just makes me stand out even more. Now even the teachers start to like other people more; they liked me because I was a good pupil, but now they see I'm some sort of freak, they just enjoy knowing "normal" people better.
I don't know why I'm posting this, exactly. Probably for attention, inside. That's why it's worse. I'm just mucked up. And I know I've not got it bad, which makes me feel even worse. I've got a comparatively good life. Yet somehow I've still managed to screw it up.
When we have an argument, and one of my parents despairs about how we always argue, it is him who comes and sinisterly whispers into my room about how it was all my fault, repeating my parents' words but twisting them to make me the origin of all the fault. Sometimes, I just hate him. I can't stop myself. Whereas I used to just hit him away, now I hold it in longer; until I snap, and throw something, or multiple things, then shout; when my parents come, who I'd been getting on well with for the whole evening, I can't stop myself shouting at them too. The whole evening is soured, and the feeling I get is just....horrible. I hate it. But my brother? No, he comes and whispers. And sometimes, dammit I just can't find any reason to disagree. I play warhammer, mostly stay at home on weekends, enjoy my schoolwork, aren't in any sporting teams unless the whole year is, play the piano, am not very strong or big, and have never had any sort of relationship with a girl. I'm a ruined, antisocial disaster. I just can't stop the feeling coming back. Now it happens at school too; I feel awful. My few friends try to cheer me up, but inside I know I'm loving the attention; and feel even worse for it, then the cycle just repeats. I don't know what people think of me, I can never know. And now my friends, who I originally considered similar to me, are starting to have relationships with girls too. I'm just being left behind. Those who I considered best friends share knowing glances with each other, and laugh, then when I ask them what its about they say its secret. They only knew each other through me, but now I'm no longer needed. I don't see any movies, and don't listen to music; only classical, which I have on in the background at home. So when people start playing "guess the song" or talk about a new album, I always try and avoid the conversation. Once, in a class survey, I was asked who my favourite band was. I just had no clue. Thankfully, as I vaguely said none in particular a friend shouted out some group, obviously trying garner support for it, and I was off the hook. But this just makes me stand out even more. Now even the teachers start to like other people more; they liked me because I was a good pupil, but now they see I'm some sort of freak, they just enjoy knowing "normal" people better.
I don't know why I'm posting this, exactly. Probably for attention, inside. That's why it's worse. I'm just mucked up. And I know I've not got it bad, which makes me feel even worse. I've got a comparatively good life. Yet somehow I've still managed to screw it up.
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