Sable scroll: the terror of the dark

[count Gabula]

START
The terror of the dark
Darkness fell on the quiet town of Geisterstadt as the population finished boarding their doors and windows. The stench of death and disease wafted around the whole town, serving as a constant reminder of the terrors of the nights before. Kristof Van Kryge peered out of the small gap that wasn’t covered by boards, checking that the death hadn’t started yet. He turned his attention to the large graveyard in the middle of town, there was barely any space left. It hadn’t always been this way, the graveyard used to be rather small. As a child he used to be afraid of it, he thought it was haunted. Occasionally one of his friends would dare someone to run through it, they would do it unwillingly and come out panting and sweating, with pure fear in their eyes. Now the graveyard seemed rather pleasant compared to what was about to occur. He assumed his position in the corner of the room, waiting for the bloodshed to start. He could hear the people next door hanging up garlic and carving stakes. Kristof did not believe in any of that, he was not a superstitious man.
“Old wives tales” he had said to what was remaining of the town this morning. But then again he used to think vampires were myth to, until the first night. Then came the first bloodcurdling scream echoing through the town. It had begun. Kristof trembled, wondering who the shriek had belonged to. It could have been anyone, it could be people he grew up with, or people he barely knew, but it didn’t really matter. Not anymore, not now that death was just around the corner, it was just a matter of time until the monster got to him. He was just waiting for it to come to him, so he could meet his loved ones at the gates of morr. The waiting was excruciating, knowing that any second it could tear through the door or smash through the windows. Some say that they do not fear death, but this is rarely the case, everybody fears death, even if they don’t realise until it’s staring them, eye to eye. Then came the second scream, this one more disturbing than the first, he tried to block it out but it was impossible, those screams would haunt him for what little time he had left. However he didn’t have to worry about nightmares, for he hadn’t slept in days. How could he? Several more shrieks were heard; each more terrifying than the last, and what was worse was that they seemed to be getting closer. It wasn’t just the shrieks that echoed throughout his mind, but also the terrible noises of the monster feasting on the fresh bodies, and the horrible pictures in his head. Talk had been going around of what the beast looked like, but the truth is that nobody truly knew. Some claimed to have glanced a winged beast swooping down and collecting its prey, others said that it floated above the ground and walked through the walls. But either way it was still coming for them, still murdering everyone they knew and loved. A ghostly howl came whistling down from not to far away. Kristof was shaking, knowing that the end was coming tonight. Even though there was no point in living much longer, he still had hoped he would make it at least for another two nights. What if there was no afterlife? No gods? Nothing. What if once you were dead that was it, and all that is left is eternal darkness? Or worse what if the vampire made him one of his own. He’d have to live a life of evil and make others suffer. It was a fate worse than death. Kristof heard the monster rip open the door of the house next to him. The noises were so excruciatingly horrifying up close that he almost let out a shriek himself. He could hear the small children wailing and the mother comforting them, telling them that everything would be alright, while the father tried to fight off the beast. He could hear the man lunge at the vampire, only to get knocked back onto the wall. Then he heard the sick sound of bones crunching as the vampire ripped open his chest. But the worst part was hearing the mother scream at the sight of her husband getting torn to bits, then followed by a sob. Then the noises stopped altogether. Kristof took a deep breath, knowing that he was next. He sat there shivering in the corner. Then came the inevitable pound on the wall, a crack appeared. Tears began to swell up in his eyes. The second pound and the beast forced its fingernails through. They were long and covered in blood and dirt. The third pound and its whole fist was shoved through the wall. Kristof scrambled over, as far away from the wall as possible. The Beast then ripped out chunks of the wall, until the hole was large enough for the fuming beast to step through. Neither of the rumours were true, the beast did not have wings, nor was it hovering above the ground, but it was undoubtedly the most horrifying thing that has ever set foot in the town of Geisterstadt. The Vampire just stood there in front of Kristof, as if waiting for something. It stared into his bloodshot eyes with a look of malice on its face. Blood dripped from the beasts fingernails onto the ground. It stood there for quite some time, the wait was terrifying.
“Oh just murder me already demon” Shouted Kristof. The vampire responded to that by taking a singly step forward. He extended his arm and grabbed for Kristof’s throat. The vampire raised him above the ground, pressed against the wall. Kristof stared into the vampire’s horrible eyes with utter discontent. Some say that your life flashes before your eyes when you die, but they are wrong. Kristof could think of nothing. His mind was filled with pure hatred. Then the hate turned into horror. He was terrified of death and the unknown. He looked into the vampires eyes and took pity on the man that once occupied that body. Then he was gone
END
Words: 1051

 

[Boo]

Vote

- Originality: 6/10 - Fairly common story setting, with the vampire plaguing a small village or town, but never the less it is a good setting for a short story as it does not require much knowledge of who the main character (victim in this case) is or why he is where he is. The story it self of a mighty vampire crushing the puny mortals with unholy strength is also something that has been done before, but as with the setting it is a good basis of a story, because everyone can relate to the main character (the fear and death and realization that all is lost) as it builds up a good mood and fitting dread as one already know the end, but still reads on.

- Writing Style 7/10 - With a great knowledge of written english this story is an easy read and flows great, with no misspellings or major grammatical errors (I can't find any! ). The words used to describe feelings and things that happen lend to the overall cozy-horror feel of the story and because there are not that much description of what happens to the humans the vampire kill, the reader gets to fill in the blanks, which is highly effective in this short-story format, as it forces one to in ones own mind display how the killings is done.

- Overall Impression 6.5/10 - A good, short story that does not leave the reader disappointed but on the other hand does not introduce something new or exciting to the reader. The text would have benefitted from some spacing in between parts of the text to make it easier to read. But I like the story and it is a very solid read and for a old vc collector, like myself, I knew exactly what to expect from the story when I had read it half-though, which is both positive and negative, as I like the format and how it depicts vampires but I have read a lot (and written myself) stories that are built up in the same way with the same setting.

Thanks for posting!

 

[Bartel]

Terrific!

It's a short short story, yet given what you write about, you succeed in extending it longer than I would have given the basic idea. To me, the whole tale is build around a single, yet strong, image, and you take that and spin a wonderful narative about it. I like that.

Even though nothing much happens, of course, plot-wise. But with your fluent writing style and good structure I kept reading, despite the fact, as Boo mentioned, you know from the start what it's going to end like. The only thing in that regard I was wondering was whether you would eventually describe the vampire and the kill, or whether you would leave that to the imagination of the reader. Eventually, you did explicitize it.

There are very few language errors (I only saw once 'to' instead of 'too'; and I personally would write Morr with a capital). But indeed, it's a wall of text. Some blank lines would have been better.

All in all, very atmospheric and a pleasure to read.

 

[Zephyr]

Originality 7
Not really original but that is kind of hard seeing the huge amount of vampire-fiction out there. It's "just good".

Writing style 7
The writing style itself is good. very few spelling mistakes but I'd never nitpick on that. What did bother me was that an otherwise fluent story gets bogged down because of the HugeWallOfText. It might simply be your style to do so or because of copy-pasting but some use of paragraphs would have improved readability.

Overall 7
Very decent and entertaining story. You get this feeling of helplessness right from the start and I loved the small glimpse into Kristof's childhood'; the dares on the graveyard. Small things like these really make a character come alive.

 

[Mello]

Well, considering I'm semi psychopathic and sociopathic, I'm going to have to downgrade what my score would be (10) due to you almost writing erotica for me :konrad:. Sorry, I am completely obsessed with human's fear of death, and how when all the cards are played, no matter how rich or kind you are, you Die *sigh of happiness*. Anyways, I'll try and mark this as a story

Originality: 6/10. Yeah it's a typical story, not much to wright here, however it didn't feel too samey, it was still interesting.

Writing style: 9/10. Great writing style, really gets you inside the protagonist's mind, which is a very believable mind. The sheer horror you convey is awesome.

Awww bugger it, Overall 10/10. I just love stories where the main character suffers, not in a tacky and 'now I have had pain I can act all grizzled and people have to respect me' *cough* Vietnam *cough* (no offense intended). No, this pain is the much more human desperate stand and against the unstoppable force, where morality is always called into question. The villagers in the story, still board up the walls even though that it won't make a difference, they do it just to comfort themselves. I love the weakness of human nature

Anyway, essay over, the only baby qualm I have is that you don't describe the vampire, seeing as you had plenty of words spare, you could have described it, to further flesh out the horror of this vampire. But I am fine without it.