[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gcyyc8owqoM[/video]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
WELCOME TO THE MAIN EVENT OF THE FORUM!
STANDING IN THE RED CORNER. HE WEIGHS IN AT AN AVERAGE ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY AND STANDS AT A SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE FIVE FOOT SIX. HE COMES IN WITH A RESPECTABLE WARHAMMER FANTASY BATTLES RECORD OF ONE FIRST PLACE FINISH AND A HANDFUL OF SECOND PLACES. HE IS YOUR CARPE NOCTEM REPRESNTITIVE IN NEW YORK. HE IS NAREN "NANCY" ZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Ladies and Gentlemen....
So here's my list -
Vampire Lord (Vampires)
Red Fury, Quickblood, Beguile
OgreBlade, Talisman of Preservation, Other Trickster's Shard
Heavy Armor, Shield, LvL4, Barded Nightmare
Vampire (Death)
Red Fury, Lance, Heavy Armor, Shield, Barded Nightmare
Nightshroud, Luckstone, LvL 2
Necromancer (Vampires)
Dispel Scroll
39 Ghouls w/ Ghast
20 Zombies
20 Zombies
20 Zombies
5 Dire Wolves
14 Black Knights w/ Full Command w/ Swiftness Banner
Terrorgheist
Terrorgheist
So, I scrapped the Spirit Hosts from my normal list because of the new crumble rules. Not sure if that was a good idea or not, but whatever. I found that playing the Zombies as 'chaff' was fairly negligable. They just ain't got the movement when your Lord is running around on a Pony... A My Little Pony.
ROUND ONE - WOOD ELVES
So, I sit down across from my opponent and she's a nice lady. I had seen her before, but never got to play her sadly. I was happy to DESTROY HER HOPES AND DREAMS.
We play Dawn Attack and she places everything where ever. I wasn't scared because Wood Elves.
.... What? You need another reason? They're Wood Elves bro. C'mon. Moving on.
So, I'm like placing my shit on the board like a boss.
Terrorgheist. 2. So, I throw him on the flank, close to the middle.
Terrorgheist. 2. So I put him next to the other Terrorgheist.
I pick up my die to roll for my BK bus with my Lord and I just get this feeling. I chuckle and say, "So, I bet I roll a one."
I did.
I place my Vampire Lord on the other flank as close to the center as I can. Man, I just chuckle at that one because I called it. I'm a psychic. But I'm not worried because again, Wood Elves.
So, turn one is really uneventful. She goes first and wiggles her stuff around. I push my BK bus forward because why wouldn't I?
The TGs fly just a tiny bit up since they're all handicapped because of the General's bubble.
Her turn, she tries to wiggle back, BUT THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE VAMPIRE COUNTS. Oh, she shoots some pussy ass bows at my undead bat-dragon. He's all like BITCH IM A DRAGON.
So, I hit a block of something with my BK Bus. AND CHOO CHOO HERE COMES THE PAIN TRAIN. I violently butt fuck a bunch of Treemen and cover them in undead semen. The BK reform and look all the way down her line. She's all.... This is gonna hurt.
I'm all...
So, she shoots more puny arrows at my Drags. She also starts shooting at Zombies. She didn't fail a fear test during the game, but she failed her fear test out of game.
The BK bus runs down the line. Everything that I hit breaks and shatters.
Turn 6 came quickly.
MVP: Vampire Lord
LVP: Deployment
Closing Arguements: I felt bad because she was a nice opponent and she's only played like four games since 8th Ed came out. I tried to keep it closer, but like... there's not a lot I can do to not destroy everything I took with my Lord and bus. She was an innocent casualty in a war that she didn't want. =(
So, this is where I gotta take a big time out. At the table next to me this guy is playing Daemons and this other dude is playing High Elves. The guy that was playing High Elves was that poor sport I have mentioned in my battle reports before.
So, they're playing and the Daemon player wins combat by 2.
The High Elf player claims his Dragon Princes are stubborn because he has the Banner of the World Dragon in it.
The tournament organizers rule in favor of the High Elf player since 'Dragons aren't a type' so anything with the word Dragon in it is stubborn. Dragonslayers, Dragon Ogres, etc.
I lost my temper at this point. I started arguing ridiculous points like that my terrorgheist scream is a 'special attack' even though it does magic attacks it can't be stopped by the banner, HERP. I rage. I flip tables. Whatever.
REGARDLESS. Game 2. I play WORLDZOMBZBANNERDRAGONMAN.
ROUND TWO - HIGH ELVES
So, we play Battle for the Pass. I set up all my zombies and chaff on the left side of the board and both my TGs and BK bus on the right. There's some buildings and shit over there, so I can avoid his bolt throwers and junk. I don't really give a fuck because I'm a baller.
So, the game starts. I fly all my shit up the right side and move my BK bus. I move my ghouls up a little bit, but brace for the Dragon Prince charge.
He moves his crap around. He moves the Dragon Princes up cautiously.
I'M ALL LIKE COME AT ME LITTLE BOY.
He shoots some bows and bolt throwers and shit. My Terrorgheist does his BITCH IMMA DRAGON dance again. They take like two wounds or something.
I move my BK behind the building to counter charge his Dragonprinces if they hit my ghouls. My TGs both fly up to his Dragonmage on a Dragon.
I double scream and kill his dragon and do one wound to his caster. DOVA-MOTHERFUCKING-KIIN.
He charges with his Dragon Princes and smashes into my ghouls. It all goes according to plan.
He shoots some more and my Terrorgheists have like two or three wounds a piece. I ain't skurd.
His Dragon Princes kill like twenty ghouls and I do one wound back. My ghouls crumble and he overruns twelve inches. (He didn't want the SURPRISE BUTTSECKZ from my Vampire Lord)
So, I double charge my TGs into his Sea Guard. I move my BK up real close. I take a wound or two, maybe. I don't remember. Regardless, he kills one terrorgheist outright and my other one gets to attack and thunderstomp. He does like 50 attacks with spears and shit it's all crazy. But I give no fucks.
He turns his Dragon Princes around and moves like 8 inches or whatever. He shoots at my Knights and does a wound? Maybe.
I BRING THAT MOTHER FUCKING PAIN TRAIN SO HARD. SPOILER ALERT MOTHER FUCKING ELF EVERYWHERE. I charge and BOOOOOMMMM. I kill like twenty High Elves and take one casualty? Fuck it, It doesn't matter.
So, he realizes that I'm about to take everything off the board except for his stupid ass dragon princes. He tries a 21 inch charge to hit my BK in the rear. I laugh triumphantly as he fails.
MY LORD DOMINATES AGAIN WITH VANHELS AND HELLISH. HE'S ALL LAWN MOWER MAN AND SHIT. I break those shitty elves and run them down like the cookie baking assholes they are.
I overrun into his bolt thrower. Shit on that.
He tries to reach me, but I'm like an untouchable calvary squad. So I hit his other Thrower and go off the board. He gives up.
BOOM LITTLE CHILDREN.
MVP: Vampire Lord
LVP: Chaff.
it felt good to win. I was a dick though previously, so I apologized. I didn't feel good about being an asshole, even though I was warranted. Then I felt like they thought I was just apologizing only because I won. Either way, fuck it, I won.
So, the tournament organizers failed and forgot to have scenarios or objectives. It was shitty. So even though I won 2-0 and the guy who I just beat got a bye because the Wood Elf player had to leave.... I still had to win my last game to guarantee first place. OH WELL. SOUNDS LIKE LITTLE ZADE-Y HAS TO PUT ON HIS DADDY PANTS AND HIS SHIT STOMPING BOOTS.
ROUND THREE - DAEMONS OF CHAOS
So, this guy was really cool. I liked playing against him a lot. We laughed and joked the whole time. His army was fluffy too. Not like mine. I'm a shit bag.
We play Pitched Battle. So I just set up one side of the board as my chaff side and my other side as my I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A HUG side.
He gets first turn and moves his Nurgle Daemon in front of my bus. He moves some Slanessh steeds all willy nilly around. I'm all like... I'm undead bro. I barely have to move models or think.
He rolls double 1s for the magic phase. It doesn't hurt him too bad though and he loses like a couple wounds on a couple things. It's so NBD.
He's all.. OH YOU THINK I GOTTA TRY? CANNON TIME. BOOM! FIVE WOUNDS TERRORGHEIST. I'm like, ohmaigawdithurtssobadnotintheface.
My turn, I can't move because of his spell. It makes my BK bus retarded and I wiggle like an inch. FUCKING LORE OF SLANESSH. I fly my other TG up on his Cannon and give it the scream. I do like three wounds or something. NOT ENOUGH.
Terrorgheist takes a shot from the cannon. Wounds. Takes one wound. LIKE A BAUCE.
His little shitty daemon challenges and I'm like...That thing is stupid. That little shit can issue a challenge. That's the most ballsac licking bullshit I ever heard. He's all like, bro calm down, I'm like, you're right. Then I socked him in the balls. Teach him to tell me what's good.
So I don't kill the thing. REGEN. And I'm like. BALLLLLLLLLS.
He charges with his nurgle asshole into my BK bus. I'm not worried. This thing is stupid. BUT IT WASNT STUPID. That thing challenges me and keeps me in place. Irritating.
So I sit there again.
My TG charges the cannon. We push combat.
My Vampire Lord finishes off the Nurgle bitch and reforms.
The game gets REAL AS FUCK right here. He rear charges my ghouls with like 40 Daemons of Slanessh and like another BOSS ASS NURGLE DAEMON. Then he charges his Keeper of Secrets, Monstrous Slanessh guys and 15-20 Bloodletters.
So, I give the people what they want and we final show down.
His magic phase, he rolls some shit and pops his own Slanessh Loci and loses ASF on his Daemonettes. I felt bad, but like, OHE WELL HCAOS.
We get to combat and I shit roll like 10 Bloodletters. His Lord shits on my baby Vampire. He loses and crumbles some, but not enough. My TG kills the Cannon of Khorne. My ghouls don't all die. I end up with like 5 left.
Next round, my Lord melts the rest of the Bloodletters and he sticks again. I reform to get my Lord to B2B with his Mounstrous guys.
My TG flies up and screams at some Monstrous Calv. He does like a wound or two. It's no big deal. Long story short, I melt his monstrous steeds and his lord crumbles away. I am then the victor.
GAME THREE WIN. ALL GAMES WIN.
NANER ZADE IS THE CHAMPION!
So I won the tournament. It felt good to win. I always like winning. It felt good to have a really good last game. I ate some fine ass wings too.
The next day I went to hang out with some friends. We got sloppy drunk and it was awesome. I totally was throwing potted plants out of windows and shitting in people's pillows cases. Man, I'm the coolest guy I know.
UNTIL NEXT TIME.
[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqWRaAF6_WY[/video]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
WELCOME TO THE MAIN EVENT OF THE FORUM!
STANDING IN THE RED CORNER. HE WEIGHS IN AT AN AVERAGE ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY AND STANDS AT A SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE FIVE FOOT SIX. HE COMES IN WITH A RESPECTABLE WARHAMMER FANTASY BATTLES RECORD OF ONE FIRST PLACE FINISH AND A HANDFUL OF SECOND PLACES. HE IS YOUR CARPE NOCTEM REPRESNTITIVE IN NEW YORK. HE IS NAREN "NANCY" ZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Ladies and Gentlemen....
So here's my list -
Vampire Lord (Vampires)
Red Fury, Quickblood, Beguile
OgreBlade, Talisman of Preservation, Other Trickster's Shard
Heavy Armor, Shield, LvL4, Barded Nightmare
Vampire (Death)
Red Fury, Lance, Heavy Armor, Shield, Barded Nightmare
Nightshroud, Luckstone, LvL 2
Necromancer (Vampires)
Dispel Scroll
39 Ghouls w/ Ghast
20 Zombies
20 Zombies
20 Zombies
5 Dire Wolves
14 Black Knights w/ Full Command w/ Swiftness Banner
Terrorgheist
Terrorgheist
So, I scrapped the Spirit Hosts from my normal list because of the new crumble rules. Not sure if that was a good idea or not, but whatever. I found that playing the Zombies as 'chaff' was fairly negligable. They just ain't got the movement when your Lord is running around on a Pony... A My Little Pony.
ROUND ONE - WOOD ELVES
So, I sit down across from my opponent and she's a nice lady. I had seen her before, but never got to play her sadly. I was happy to DESTROY HER HOPES AND DREAMS.
We play Dawn Attack and she places everything where ever. I wasn't scared because Wood Elves.
.... What? You need another reason? They're Wood Elves bro. C'mon. Moving on.
So, I'm like placing my shit on the board like a boss.
Terrorgheist. 2. So, I throw him on the flank, close to the middle.
Terrorgheist. 2. So I put him next to the other Terrorgheist.
I pick up my die to roll for my BK bus with my Lord and I just get this feeling. I chuckle and say, "So, I bet I roll a one."
I did.
I place my Vampire Lord on the other flank as close to the center as I can. Man, I just chuckle at that one because I called it. I'm a psychic. But I'm not worried because again, Wood Elves.
So, turn one is really uneventful. She goes first and wiggles her stuff around. I push my BK bus forward because why wouldn't I?
The TGs fly just a tiny bit up since they're all handicapped because of the General's bubble.
Her turn, she tries to wiggle back, BUT THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE VAMPIRE COUNTS. Oh, she shoots some pussy ass bows at my undead bat-dragon. He's all like BITCH IM A DRAGON.
So, I hit a block of something with my BK Bus. AND CHOO CHOO HERE COMES THE PAIN TRAIN. I violently butt fuck a bunch of Treemen and cover them in undead semen. The BK reform and look all the way down her line. She's all.... This is gonna hurt.
I'm all...
So, she shoots more puny arrows at my Drags. She also starts shooting at Zombies. She didn't fail a fear test during the game, but she failed her fear test out of game.
The BK bus runs down the line. Everything that I hit breaks and shatters.
Turn 6 came quickly.
MVP: Vampire Lord
LVP: Deployment
Closing Arguements: I felt bad because she was a nice opponent and she's only played like four games since 8th Ed came out. I tried to keep it closer, but like... there's not a lot I can do to not destroy everything I took with my Lord and bus. She was an innocent casualty in a war that she didn't want. =(
So, this is where I gotta take a big time out. At the table next to me this guy is playing Daemons and this other dude is playing High Elves. The guy that was playing High Elves was that poor sport I have mentioned in my battle reports before.
So, they're playing and the Daemon player wins combat by 2.
The High Elf player claims his Dragon Princes are stubborn because he has the Banner of the World Dragon in it.
The tournament organizers rule in favor of the High Elf player since 'Dragons aren't a type' so anything with the word Dragon in it is stubborn. Dragonslayers, Dragon Ogres, etc.
I lost my temper at this point. I started arguing ridiculous points like that my terrorgheist scream is a 'special attack' even though it does magic attacks it can't be stopped by the banner, HERP. I rage. I flip tables. Whatever.
REGARDLESS. Game 2. I play WORLDZOMBZBANNERDRAGONMAN.
ROUND TWO - HIGH ELVES
So, we play Battle for the Pass. I set up all my zombies and chaff on the left side of the board and both my TGs and BK bus on the right. There's some buildings and shit over there, so I can avoid his bolt throwers and junk. I don't really give a fuck because I'm a baller.
So, the game starts. I fly all my shit up the right side and move my BK bus. I move my ghouls up a little bit, but brace for the Dragon Prince charge.
He moves his crap around. He moves the Dragon Princes up cautiously.
I'M ALL LIKE COME AT ME LITTLE BOY.
He shoots some bows and bolt throwers and shit. My Terrorgheist does his BITCH IMMA DRAGON dance again. They take like two wounds or something.
I move my BK behind the building to counter charge his Dragonprinces if they hit my ghouls. My TGs both fly up to his Dragonmage on a Dragon.
I double scream and kill his dragon and do one wound to his caster. DOVA-MOTHERFUCKING-KIIN.
He charges with his Dragon Princes and smashes into my ghouls. It all goes according to plan.
He shoots some more and my Terrorgheists have like two or three wounds a piece. I ain't skurd.
His Dragon Princes kill like twenty ghouls and I do one wound back. My ghouls crumble and he overruns twelve inches. (He didn't want the SURPRISE BUTTSECKZ from my Vampire Lord)
So, I double charge my TGs into his Sea Guard. I move my BK up real close. I take a wound or two, maybe. I don't remember. Regardless, he kills one terrorgheist outright and my other one gets to attack and thunderstomp. He does like 50 attacks with spears and shit it's all crazy. But I give no fucks.
He turns his Dragon Princes around and moves like 8 inches or whatever. He shoots at my Knights and does a wound? Maybe.
I BRING THAT MOTHER FUCKING PAIN TRAIN SO HARD. SPOILER ALERT MOTHER FUCKING ELF EVERYWHERE. I charge and BOOOOOMMMM. I kill like twenty High Elves and take one casualty? Fuck it, It doesn't matter.
So, he realizes that I'm about to take everything off the board except for his stupid ass dragon princes. He tries a 21 inch charge to hit my BK in the rear. I laugh triumphantly as he fails.
MY LORD DOMINATES AGAIN WITH VANHELS AND HELLISH. HE'S ALL LAWN MOWER MAN AND SHIT. I break those shitty elves and run them down like the cookie baking assholes they are.
I overrun into his bolt thrower. Shit on that.
He tries to reach me, but I'm like an untouchable calvary squad. So I hit his other Thrower and go off the board. He gives up.
BOOM LITTLE CHILDREN.
MVP: Vampire Lord
LVP: Chaff.
it felt good to win. I was a dick though previously, so I apologized. I didn't feel good about being an asshole, even though I was warranted. Then I felt like they thought I was just apologizing only because I won. Either way, fuck it, I won.
So, the tournament organizers failed and forgot to have scenarios or objectives. It was shitty. So even though I won 2-0 and the guy who I just beat got a bye because the Wood Elf player had to leave.... I still had to win my last game to guarantee first place. OH WELL. SOUNDS LIKE LITTLE ZADE-Y HAS TO PUT ON HIS DADDY PANTS AND HIS SHIT STOMPING BOOTS.
ROUND THREE - DAEMONS OF CHAOS
So, this guy was really cool. I liked playing against him a lot. We laughed and joked the whole time. His army was fluffy too. Not like mine. I'm a shit bag.
We play Pitched Battle. So I just set up one side of the board as my chaff side and my other side as my I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A HUG side.
He gets first turn and moves his Nurgle Daemon in front of my bus. He moves some Slanessh steeds all willy nilly around. I'm all like... I'm undead bro. I barely have to move models or think.
He rolls double 1s for the magic phase. It doesn't hurt him too bad though and he loses like a couple wounds on a couple things. It's so NBD.
He's all.. OH YOU THINK I GOTTA TRY? CANNON TIME. BOOM! FIVE WOUNDS TERRORGHEIST. I'm like, ohmaigawdithurtssobadnotintheface.
My turn, I can't move because of his spell. It makes my BK bus retarded and I wiggle like an inch. FUCKING LORE OF SLANESSH. I fly my other TG up on his Cannon and give it the scream. I do like three wounds or something. NOT ENOUGH.
Terrorgheist takes a shot from the cannon. Wounds. Takes one wound. LIKE A BAUCE.
His little shitty daemon challenges and I'm like...That thing is stupid. That little shit can issue a challenge. That's the most ballsac licking bullshit I ever heard. He's all like, bro calm down, I'm like, you're right. Then I socked him in the balls. Teach him to tell me what's good.
So I don't kill the thing. REGEN. And I'm like. BALLLLLLLLLS.
He charges with his nurgle asshole into my BK bus. I'm not worried. This thing is stupid. BUT IT WASNT STUPID. That thing challenges me and keeps me in place. Irritating.
So I sit there again.
My TG charges the cannon. We push combat.
My Vampire Lord finishes off the Nurgle bitch and reforms.
The game gets REAL AS FUCK right here. He rear charges my ghouls with like 40 Daemons of Slanessh and like another BOSS ASS NURGLE DAEMON. Then he charges his Keeper of Secrets, Monstrous Slanessh guys and 15-20 Bloodletters.
So, I give the people what they want and we final show down.
His magic phase, he rolls some shit and pops his own Slanessh Loci and loses ASF on his Daemonettes. I felt bad, but like, OHE WELL HCAOS.
We get to combat and I shit roll like 10 Bloodletters. His Lord shits on my baby Vampire. He loses and crumbles some, but not enough. My TG kills the Cannon of Khorne. My ghouls don't all die. I end up with like 5 left.
Next round, my Lord melts the rest of the Bloodletters and he sticks again. I reform to get my Lord to B2B with his Mounstrous guys.
My TG flies up and screams at some Monstrous Calv. He does like a wound or two. It's no big deal. Long story short, I melt his monstrous steeds and his lord crumbles away. I am then the victor.
GAME THREE WIN. ALL GAMES WIN.
NANER ZADE IS THE CHAMPION!
So I won the tournament. It felt good to win. I always like winning. It felt good to have a really good last game. I ate some fine ass wings too.
The next day I went to hang out with some friends. We got sloppy drunk and it was awesome. I totally was throwing potted plants out of windows and shitting in people's pillows cases. Man, I'm the coolest guy I know.
UNTIL NEXT TIME.
[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqWRaAF6_WY[/video]
. Maybe fewer f-bombs and references to sodomy.
