Here's some feedback for count Vashra's new character, Niklaus:
Vashra, you may want to increase your character's age as a vampire, because (a)he's quite powerful for a relatively - he's got some very high stats compared to some of the older vampires, not that this is a bad thing, but just that some players may find it more reasonable if he's a bit older, (b) he managed to kill his own sire (whilst this is possible, it takes careful planning and willpower built up over some time - note that it's not unreasonable, though, in my opinion, as he could have built up resistance against vampires in his mortal life), (c) he's built up a spy network. Spy networks take a bit of time to build, and whilst Morty (my character) managed to construct a fortress in a decade, he had thousands of undead servants to do the work for him, and no witch hunters nearby to attack him (he built it in the Badlands) whereas your character would not only need to avoid witch hunters, get used to vampirism and the thirst for blood, and individually meet people who could join his spy network and negotiate with them (or send sentient mortal servants reliable enough to do the work for him), he would also have to be avoiding the vampires who might notice his notice his network and try to sabotage it/kill him.
I'm not saying your bio isn't likely, it's just that there are some parts (I've specified some, other users have specified others) that you should justify/go into more detail on. Like the spy network:
- How does it work?
- Where is it based?
- Etc.
You might want to go into even more detail on it in the Organisation thread. Also, an example of a justification:
- Niklaus had always despised vampires because of the looming shadow of his sister's death by one: she was found with two bite marks in her neck, drained of blood. Not knowing the woman was one, he succumbed to the rogue Lahmian's manipulation (she had abandoned the Sisterhood to pursue her own interests, and so was pursued by Neferata's servants: she wanted a potent shadowmancer like Niklaus on her side to hide her from the killers that would inevitably come for her). To his horror, Niklaus soon realised that he had become a vampire, yet not all hope was lost. He resolved to kill the Lahmian, despite the apparent sway she held over him, and so deceived her by pretending to be little more than a mindless pawn, whilst in reality he built up mental resistance towards his sire's power over him. One night (and then you can talk about him killing her, etc.)
Of course, your explanation doesn't have to be anywhere near this long, Vashra, nor does it have to be anything like this: I just wanted to show you how going in-depth can really help players understand your character,